


Les Amis: The Headcanons

by chaos_yet_harmony



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2015-08-10
Packaged: 2018-03-25 20:23:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 3,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3823588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaos_yet_harmony/pseuds/chaos_yet_harmony
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I once came up with a collection of fun Greatest Secrets for the Barricade Boys (canon-era) and posted it on Tumblr. It was popular enough that I started posting more sets. Now I am sharing them with you. Some are funny, some are sad, and most of them indicate that I have too much time on my hands. Enjoy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Great Secrets

**Enjolras:** People know that his parents are wealthy; what they don’t know is that “wealthy” is actually  _SUPER MEGA FILTHY RICH._ They do a lot of good works and are never supercilious, but Enjolras still feels ashamed.

 **Combeferre:** He still has the stuffed elephant his grandmother made him when he was four. He knows he should throw it out, but can’t shake the vague sense that maybe stuffed animals really do have feelings.

 **Courfeyrac:**  Contrary to what his friends might think, he actually didn’t have sex until he was twenty-one. And then had no idea what the hell he was doing.

 **Jean Prouvaire:** His early poetry, ‘nuf said.

 **Bahorel:** You know those trashy romance novels his girlfriend left at his place, the ones he only read because he was bored? There was no girlfriend. And he wasn’t bored.

 **Feuilly:** Knows more dirty jokes and songs than the rest of Les Amis combined.

 **Bossuet:** N/A. He knows his luck, and won’t take any risks.  
  
**Joly:** His middle name is Élisabeth. Tell no one.

 **Grantaire:** Fluent in Latin, has an excellent command of English and Greek, is intelligent and cultured as hell and also has a reputation to maintain, so bring on the whiskey.


	2. Cats

**Enjolras:**  Dog person. He can go on for hours about the virtues of dogs, and why they’re better than cats, and no he won’t shut up because dogs are important.

 **Combeferre:** He can name you every bone, muscle, process, whatever in a cat’s body, but could not care for one if his life depended on it.

 **Courfeyrac:**  He’s not much for cats but he  _loves_  kittens. And jokes about pussy.

 **Jean Prouvaire:** Uses his landlady’s cat as poetry critic. 

 **Bahorel:** He hates them and they hate him. No one’s sure who started it.

 **Feuilly:** He always makes sure to set out saucers of milk for the street cats in his neighborhood. He knows and has named every one of them, and they love him.

 **Bossuet:** Severely allergic, but keeps one anyway because Joly’s cat needs company.  
  
 **Joly:** Severely allergic, but keeps one anyway because Bossuet’s cat needs company.

 **Grantaire:** For as long as Les Amis have known him, Grantaire’s cat, Chat, has been a permanent fixture on his shoulder. She’s a pretty little thing who’s friendly to everyone except Enjolras.


	3. People They Left Behind

**Enjolras:** The baker’s assistant, named by his parents François but usually called “you,” “boy” or “dimwit,” lived for 8:05 sharp every morning, because that was when Enjolras would come to buy his breakfast, pay the baker, and then say “Good day, Citizen François” and make François feel like a person. Enjolras was the only one who ever did this.

 **Combeferre:** One of his patients was an elderly woman who was an absolute shrew to everyone except Combeferre, who reminded her of her dead son. After the barricade fell she turned desperate and asked every day why Monsieur Combeferre never came anymore. Nobody had the heart to tell her.

 **Courfeyrac:**  For the last few years he had had a friend, a  _gamin_  named Nicolas. They had breakfast together on Sunday, and when the weather turned cold Courfeyrac gave Nicolas his old jackets. Nicolas died of frostbite in November 1832, at the age of 11. Draw your own conclusions.

 **Jean Prouvaire:** He was teaching his landlady’s son to play the flute, an endeavor that seemed futile to everyone but the two of them. When the boy finally managed to produce a few sounds he wanted to show his teacher immediately, but his mother told him that Monsieur Prouvaire had gone to some General’s funeral and she didn’t know when he would be back.

 **Bahorel:** For all he griped about law, he had become very close to one of the professors. They spent many happy hours talking about every topic under the sun, and the professor sometimes thought of Bahorel as the child he’d never had. When he heard about the barricades, he knew immediately that Bahorel was involved, and refused to read the names of the casualties when the battle was over. Because he knew.

 **Feuilly:**  He’d realized that the girl he’d been nursing a huge crush on actually felt the same way, and a romance started to develop. Every week he gave her a flower–which she dried and saved–and the night before he left for the barricade, they kissed for the first time. When the sun rose two days later, Feuilly had one kiss, Marie had thirty-seven flowers, and neither of those numbers would ever get any higher.

 **Bossuet:** Over the years he had become friendly with one of the “regular” beggars, who always sat in the same spot beside a fountain. Every day Bossuet gave a him a few sous, plenty of schadenfreude and a sense of being something more than just another beggar on the streets of Paris. Then things changed, and it was back to only the birds for company.

 **Joly:** After months of dithering and consulting with Bossuet, he decided that for Musichetta’s next birthday he would give her the gift of a marriage proposal. Musichetta’s birthday was June 8th.

 **Grantaire:** His boxing partner looked forward to their weekly matches not only because he and Grantaire were great friends, but also because when they shook hands goodbye, Grantaire always slipped him some money. It wasn’t much to Grantaire, but the boxing partner was an underpaid workingman with a wife and six children, and that money sometimes meant food for the week.


	4. In case the last list upset you too much, I’ve decided that one July 14th…

**Enjolras:** Walked into the back room of Café Musain to find that…

 **Combeferre:** …had told everyone that it was Enjolras’s birthday and appointed…

 **Courfeyrac:**  …as Organizer of Enjolras’s Surprise Birthday Party.

 **Jean Prouvaire:** …was instructed to bake a cake and auxiliary treats; unfortunately, he learned that he could not bake and so turned to…

 **Grantaire:** …who is an amazing baker and proceeded to create a professional-level torte and tricolor macaron stacks. He also assisted…

 **Feuilly:** …in making a colorful and moderately ridiculous card, which everybody signed, complete with little messages. 

 **Joly:** …had a mild scare when he saw that his tongue seemed to be dripping blood, but calmed down when he realized that it was just extra dye from a macaron he’d sneaked. Less fortunate was… 

 **Bossuet:** …who choked on his macaron and was hit very hard on the back by… 

 **Bahorel:** …who was told to decorate and interpreted that as “hang a red flag from a precarious chairiccade that will topple onto somebody, and top the whole mess with Courfeyrac’s hat.” Courfeyrac only stopped fighting him when Enjolras arrived and then…

 **Everybody:** …somehow managed to fit the words of “Bon Anniversaire” to the tune of “La Marseillaise” and then they devoured the cake–Enjolras seemed to get half of it; the man was a monster around desserts–and eventually the chairiccade collapsed onto Bossuet, who managed to fall on and crush Courfeyrac’s hat and the party was absolutely successful. Nothing serious was accomplished that day, and…

 **Enjolras:** …went home, pinned his birthday card to his wall, finished the last macaron stack and knew that he had the best friends anyone could ever wish for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, truly. That last set currently has over 2,000 notes on Tumblr, plus comments about what a horrible person I am. Someone even pointed out never-intended symbolism...I do my job well.


	5. Family

**Enjolras:** Very close to both of his parents, and actually a bit of a mama’s boy.

 **Combeferre:** In his opinion, most of his practical medical training was nearly twenty years of patching up five younger siblings.

 **Courfeyrac:**  When he was a baby, his sister used to dress him in her dolls’ clothes. She insists that his attentiveness to style stems from that period.

 **Jean Prouvaire:** His cousin is also a flutist, and when the two families get together there are epic flute battles. Because flutes can be epic.

 **Bahorel:** He has an elderly aunt in Paris, and his parents continue to give him money on the stipulation that he visit her at least once a week. And so, every Saturday, Bahorel gets to sit in a musty-smelling parlor and discuss the obituaries as if they’re novels.

 **Feuilly:** His father disappeared when he was a baby; his mother died of a fever a few years later and Feuilly was raised in an orphanage. He thought himself alone until he met Enjolras and suddenly Feuilly had eight brothers.

 **Bossuet:** The uncle for whom he was named was also a very unlucky person. So is Bossuet’s second cousin who was given the name by chance, and Bossuet has decided that Félix is a cursed name in his family.

 **Joly:** Whenever he sees his nieces and nephews, their first question is when is he going to marry “Chetta.” Maybe he shouldn’t have let her buy them all ice cream that time they visited Paris.

 **Grantaire:** He has a brother, ten years his junior, whom he adores; his brother thinks Grantaire is the most amazing person to ever walk the earth, and is completely devastated when Grantaire dies. He later devotes himself to his brother’s cause, and in 1848, one of the most devoted fighters is Alain Grantaire. 


	6. Books

**Enjolras:** He once disagreed with a book so violently that he tore out the pages and, not wanting to desecrate his fireplace, folded them into various shapes, saying that they should serve some purpose. And that is how, for several weeks, Enjolras had a flock of Royalist origami swans on his side table.

 **Combeferre:** He draws in the margins of his books. It’s a habit he’s always had, and it’s sometimes unconscious. Sometimes his friends borrow his books just to see what interesting pictures they can find.

 **Courfeyrac:**  One of the books padding out his collection of law books is   _Thérèse Philosophe._ Marius once picked it up out of curiosity, and it was weeks before Courfeyrac could keep himself from laughing at the mere memory of Marius’s face.

 **Jean Prouvaire:** Unable to find French-Greek or French-Hebrew dictionaries while he was learning the languages, he took it upon himself to compile those dictionaries himself. Now he has huge piles of Hebrew and Greek books all over his room.

 **Bahorel:** Contrary to popular beliefs, those law books have in fact been opened. He opened them to pen sarcastic reviews in the margins (finishing the books in the process).

 **Feuilly:** He has a jar on his desk, and every so often he puts in a sou or two. Then, when he has enough money, he goes to the secondhand bookstore and buys himself something.

 **Bossuet:** He has a set of encyclopedia, complete except for the Q volume, which he cannot find in any bookstore. Nobody can understand why Bossuet is so intent on finding this book; what’s so important about Q? But Bossuet feels a pang whenever he looks at that empty space.

 **Joly:** During one stressful month in which Joly  _was_  in fact ill, he made himself sicker by reading about what he might possibly have. It was when he started talking about pregnancy that Bossuet snapped, took all the books away and force-fed Joly a quart of chicken soup.When Joly complained of boredom, Bossuet gave him romance novels.

 **Grantaire:** He has a fine collection of opera libretta, cookbooks, and Latin poetry. 


	7. Best Childhood Memories

**Enjolras:** His pony, Marianne. He liked winning prizes, and riding was always fun, but most importantly he loved her. He kept her even after he’d outgrown her, and whenever he went to see his parents he also made sure to have a long visit with Marianne. To the day of his death Enjolras considered Marianne to be the best friend he ever had.

 **Combeferre:** Watching his friend’s dog give birth, both because it was fascinating to watch and because Combeferre knew that one of the puppies would be his.

 **Courfeyrac:**  It was a particularly boring day in church, when a man knelt down and promptly split his pants. Courfeyrac laughed so hard that his mother was forced to take him home. She was not happy about it.

 **Jean Prouvaire:** While on holiday in the country he happened upon a mob of deer. He stood very still. The deer, who were either unusually brave or not particularly aware, continued grazing. He spent nearly an hour standing there, watching the deer, until an adult came to find him and the deer scattered. 

 **Bahorel:** He can’t peg exactly which of his pranks makes for the best story, so he varies them. The stories are always good.

 **Feuilly:** His mother once got a day off from work, and she took him to the park and bought him ice cream. That memory–nature, ice cream, his mother smiling–was sometimes the only good thing he had to hold onto. But it was enough.

 **Bossuet:** He also found an animal–a baby bird. It didn’t seem to have fallen out of a nest; nobody had any idea where it had come from. But he managed to successfully nurse it back to health and teach it to fly. Bossuet still considers the day his bird flew off for the last time to be the highlight of his life so far.

 **Joly:** One Christmas he decided to be brazen and put both of his shoes on the hearth. His parents indulged him, and Joly felt enormous pride over his achievement. 

 **Grantaire:** The time he accidentally used a word he’d heard from the servants and everyone at his parents’ dinner party froze in horror. It was worth getting his mouth washed out with soap just to see a dignified lady spill soup in her lap.


	8. Annoying Habits

**Enjolras:**  He does that thing where he reads what he’s writing as he writes it. Only, he gets really passionate about it.

 **Combeferre:**  Insufferably sesquipedalian.

 **Courfeyrac:**  No sense of physical boundaries. Hugging, hair-ruffling, random little kisses, everything.

 **Jean Prouvaire:**  Constantly coining catchphrases.

 **Bahorel:**  While it isn’t exactly an activity, his voice is  _really_  loud, and he has to be reminded to turn it down at least twice every half hour.

 **Feuilly:**  Reading over people’s shoulders.

 **Bossuet:**  He needs to use his hands. This can manifest itself in everything from back massages to finger-drumming to origami.

 **Joly:**  He taps his cane on the floor, against chairs, anywhere, and always in the most annoying rhythm.

 **Grantaire:**  He is Grantaire.


	9. Modern Day AU-A Froyo Trip

**Enjolras:** He did not want to go out; revolution is more important. He gripes the whole time, but does get a heaping cup of French vanilla with every topping there is. 

**Combeferre:** Does not like frozen yogurt, which is good, because Enjolras sometimes requires a babysitter in situations that involve sweets.  

**Courfeyrac:**  He gets a bit of every flavor, a bit of every topping, and ends up with something that is either a work of art or an imminent stomachache.

**Jean Prouvaire:** Lost in thought, he forgets to actually position the cup under the dispenser and ends up making a giant mess.

**Bahorel:** His “experiments” get everyone kicked out.

**Feuilly:** Insists that he isn’t hungry until Courfeyrac reminds him that since this outing was Courfeyrac’s idea (it wasn’t) and that he’s going to treat everyone (he wasn’t going to until five seconds ago), he will be very insulted if Feuilly doesn’t enjoy himself. Feuilly sees right through him, but agrees anyway–it’s free froyo or Courf Puppy Eyes on full power, and Feuilly’s no masochist.

**Bossuet:** The machine jams.

**Joly:** Maybe he’s not lactose intolerant, maybe he’s just going to die of dysentery, but last night’s stomach upset did come right after a cheese-heavy meal. For the time being, Joly chooses non-dairy.

**Grantaire:** Creates a tricolor sundae that he calls “the Fearless Leader” and licks it suggestively.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A frozen yogurt place just opened up in my town and my mind started racing. I’m sorry for this.


	10. As Victims of Jewish Mothers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These are just getting more and more ridiculous. I'm sorry.

**Enjolras’ Jewish Mother:**  “I don’t know from revolutions, but I know that you can’t help those hungry people if you’re hungry yourself and you haven’t eaten in four hours. Here’s a nice bowl of chicken soup, eat.” 

 **Combeferre’s Jewish Mother:**  “You know I don’t approve of all this barricade  _mishegas_ , but I was speaking to my friends and one of them has a second cousin whose daughter is married to a man who owns a construction company. So maybe you could at least get a discount?”

 **Courfeyrac’s Jewish Mother:**  “You don’t want to wear your new sweater? Do you have any idea the amount of time I spent knitting? Of course you don’t. Kids these days, no respect.” 

 **Jean Prouvaire’s Jewish Mother:** “Wandering around with your head in the clouds, overthrowing the government, can’t you do something safe? You’re going to give me another ulcer.”

 **Bahorel’s Jewish Mother:**  “You  _still_  haven’t graduated? For thiswe’re spending three thousand a year?”

 **Feuilly’s (mysteriously alive) Jewish Mother:**  “Your friends are doctors and lawyers, and you want to paint fans all day? What’s wrong with giving your old mother a bit of  _nachas?_ ” 

 **Bossuet’s Jewish Mother:**  “You dropped that class  _again_? You know you can’t keep on like this forever; this is why you’re living with Joly instead of marrying that nice girl–Michelle, her name is?”

 **Joly’s Jewish Mother:**  “Did you just sneeze? You should get that seen; I hear cholera’s going around–wait, I had diarrhea last night. Maybe we’re all getting sick. Oh no.”

 **Grantaire’s Jewish Mother:**  “Stop drinking so much; you want to die of cirrhosis and leave me all alone? And who’s this Enjolras; why can’t just find a nice girl and give me some grandchildren? Is that too much to ask?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before anyone gets indignant about stereotypes: I am 23 with no concrete life plan and no husband. I get more worry and passive-aggressive guilt in one day than most people get in a lifetime.


	11. Tattoos

**Enjolras:** The only one who knows about his “Liberté Egalité Fraternité” tramp stamp is Grantaire, who has been sworn to secrecy on pain of Enjolras revealing  [so secret it can’t even be written here].

 **Combeferre:** One of those insanely elaborate, full-color “dissection” tattoos going up his spine. Tasteful, though.

 **Courfeyrac:**  Thankfully his friends were able to talk him out of getting full sleeves. The same for a tiger jumping out of his back, or a message on his fingers. He finally settled for rings of mice, frolicking around each bicep. He refuses to explain the significance of this.

 **Jean Prouvaire:** The Ravenclaw crest over his heart.

 **Bahorel:** He has a number of scars, but he turned the lightning bolt-shaped one into the centerpiece of an abstract celebration of the entire  _Harry Potter_ series. And it looks great.

 **Feuilly:** Saving his money to get a quote from one of his favorite authors. He’s not yet sure what, or where it will be.

 **Bossuet:** You know the infamous “don’t never give up” tat? Guess who it belongs to.

 **Joly:** No matter how much documentation he’s been given on the safety and sanitation of this tattoo parlor, he refuses to die of Infected Mickey Mouse. Or something.

 **Grantaire:** He learned not to gamble while drunk after he woke up with a swarm of butterflies decorating his shoulders. He’s getting them removed, but it’s a process.


	12. Modern-Day AU-gishwhes!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gishwhes stands for Greatest International Scavenger Hunt the World Has Ever Seen, is a week-long, worldwide scavenger hunt run by Supernatural actor Misha Collins. There are no words to describe gishwhes. It must be experienced. (gGo to gishwhes.com for further details.)

**Enjolras:**  Les Amis have never seen this side of Enjolras–he goes absolutely mad, trying to do every item all on his own and eventually they have to transfer leadership to Combeferre.

**Combeferre:**  Definitely the guide. He organizes spreadsheets, mediates the little disputes, and makes sure that everything’s going as it should and no one seems to be dying of self-neglect.

**Courfeyrac:**  Shameless. He eagerly volunteers to publicly humiliate himself.

**Jean Prouvaire:** He always, always has ideas. He’s the one fudging an item three minutes before the Hunt ends.

**Bahorel:**  He’s the one with all the contacts; he knows how to locate Olympic champions and people with helicopters.

**Feuilly:** He’s used to manipulating delicate things and assures everyone that he is capable of creating fine art out of sanitary pads. The results surpass everyone’s expectations. 

**Bossuet:**  He does fine with the items, but the Internet hates him. Imgur crashes. YouTube automatically removes his video. He can’t log onto the gishwhes website at all.

**Joly:**  So caught up in the Hunt he doesn’t even panic when he gets a direct hit in the face with the hot glue gun. He just slaps on some aloe and keeps going. 

**Grantaire:**  Everyone agrees that he should have first pick of the art-based items, but nobody was prepared for just how amazing some of the submissions would be.

**And because you can’t have a team with just nine members:**

**Marius:**  Like Enjolras, Marius is a surprise–he’s  _amazing_  at scavenger hunts and is a force to be reckoned with.

**Cosette:**  gishes with Marius. His innate skill and her charm are a winning combination.

**Éponine:**  Like Courf, she has no qualms. She’ll do anything the list says and won’t regret it for a moment.

**Musichetta:**  Has contacts to rival Bahorel’s and her Twitter skills are scary. She gets 100-point items, no sweat. 

**Clacquesous:** It’s GISHBOT’s fault that he’s on Team ABC. He never shows up. Nobody misses him except for in the group picture.

**EPILOGUE:**

The Hunt ends, and the fine members of Team ABC basically collapse where they are. Somehow Grantaire finds himself with his head in Enjolras’ lap, and to his surprise Enjolras makes no objection. The back room of the Café Musain is a mess of confetti and kale. They are so doing this next year.


End file.
